Disorganization!

My biggest pet peeve in the whole wide world: disorganization.

(But only when I'm working with disorganized people on something important. I don't care if you are personally disorganized. But if you are disorganized and we're working together, than I am VERY grumpy. This could be problematic as I move towards a healthcare career...)

Semester almost over....then I'll write about these craptastic past few months and the only two good things that happened during them: Guatemala and the visit from my mother.

Over and out.

That Kind of Week

It's that week....that week during the semester when you feel like there is no possible way to get everything done. The kind of week full of group projects resting entirely on your shoulders. The kind of week full of trying to forget someone you know you need to say good-bye to. The kind of week that you hope never happens again, though you know it probably will. Soon.

Yay, yay, school is fun.

If I survive, I get to go to NYC this weekend! It will be great but it also poses some challenges for the work looming ahead next week...but that is okay because I have my babysitting money all saved up, and I have a pretty shirt to wear. I am very easy to please.

OH MY GOD

Why do we do things that we know aren't good for us? Or, why do we choose to do things less good for us when we know there are better options??

Here are some examples of this in my life.

I KNOW I feel so good after I work out. And I'm generally good about doing so regularly, but I usually don't want to. And I often find reasons not to. Why???

I KNOW the kinds of guys I should avoid getting involved with. I know it so well I could write a book about it. And I think I give (or am capable of giving) pretty good advice to others about how to avoid these very guys. But sometimes I continue to make bad decisions. Why???

I KNOW I like to do well in school. And I know I hate to be up late the new night before an exam cramming. I plan to do a little bit of work each day. I spend many minutes figuring out the best way to organize my time most efficiently. Then I proceed to not follow my well-calculated plan and spend the night before the exam cramming. Why???

I used to think that you get smarter as you get older. And in many ways you do. You see, I am now smart enough to know that I do these things. I am smart enough to know that these behavioral patterns typically involve some sort of self-lie. Some sort of whispered non-truth along the lines of, "Working out tomorrow before school is better than doing it tonight," and "Maybe that 26 year old bartender really isn't just looking to get some." Yes, I am smart enough to know that this happens somewhere in my head at some point on that slippery slope. I am even aware of the psychology behind WHY I do some of these things. But I am still not smart enough to NOT do them.

When does that happen? When do you get smart enough to start acting smart all the time??

Last week I was walking with a friend and across the street a woman sitting at the bus stop spontaneously yelled out loud to no one in particular, "OH MY GOD!" It was exactly the kind of thing I feel like doing sometimes.

Such Great Heights

This past weekend (and this week so far) has been like a week spent in School Hell. I know I've stressed in the past and complained about work, but this time...well, this time it was enough to send me into a panic attack type thing on Sunday evening. I was so immobilized by not knowing when to do it all that I had to call my mom and cry. Then I emailed a teacher and asked for an extension on one of my papers. Fortunately, two things happened:

1) After my panic attack, I got my a** in gear and proceeded to get a pretty high grade (comparatively) on a very hard pathophysiology exam where most of the questions were taken verbatim from over 200 pages of detailed, science-heavy textbook reading.

2) My professor decided to extend the deadline on the assignment I emailed about. Problem is, she extended it to Monday morning and I need to be done with it by Thursday evening. So the added cushion does me no good.

Thus...my panic and stress still lie at what has become a way too high baseline.

Good news?? KA comes to visit on Thursday (which is why I want to be done with everything by then). I can't wait for the weekend and I can't wait to relax and frolic in the fall Berkshire sunshine without having to worry about metabolic acidosis.

And now, back to studying.

Potter, Austen and Bourne

I did nothing today except dwell in the lives of others. I read Harry Potter (finished re-reading book 6 and began book 7), saw Becoming Jane at the movies (Fantastic! I am still sad about it and I want to re-read all the Austen books), and watched The Bourne Supremacy on TV (to prep for my viewing of the 3rd film later this month).

I have to say, it was NICE.

Not that my life is awful or anything. It isn't. In fact, it's been pretty good lately. But since I am in the midst of my longest official summer break since I was in college, I felt like indulging. And today, indulging meant watching others experiences. While eating a rice crispy treat.

Oh, I also bought my crappy books for the next stupid semester. This is something I've been dreading and carefully putting it off until nearly the last minute. I am not ready for it all to begin again. No way.

Wait...I bought my school books this morning...maybe that is why I then chose to spend the rest of the day in worlds that are not my own. Maybe I am trying to ignore my dread about the stress and work that lies ahead. Something about "ignorance being blissful" and denial comes to mind, but I will think about that some other day. Now, I must get back to Mr. Potter.

The Final Final

Tomorrow is my final final. YIPPEE!!!!

In case you can't tell, I'm thrilled this semester is almost over.

To celebrate, I am having Spaghetti-O's for dinner. While some people do not like the S-O's, I genuinely love them. I blame my parents and their Pavlovian conditioning for my love of Mr Boyardee's culinary creations.

Last weekend I was in SF for KM's wedding. I crafted a little blog post while on the plane trying to study. Unfortunately, my S-O's are calling and I only have a 30 min break before I get back to learning about Stage 4 pressure ulcers. Thus, that post will be posted another day. Probably tomorrow after my school peeps and I have our end-of-the-semester mimosa brunch.

One more thing. Here is a quick shout out to VM a new member of our ever-so-cool blogging circle. VM and I went to high school together and we were roommates in college. She also knows the Wombat and the Napper. I'll add her link to this blog tomorrow.

Beautiful B's

This past weekend was a good one. I did the usual (study all day every day) but I did manage to get out on Friday and Saturday night. Friday we went dancing at the local neighborhood bar. Saturday was a big Gay Pride parade. Sharpie, a non RN friend, had a rooftop party. The streets were blocked off, the air was full of live music, it was a hot summer night and I had a pretty dress on. I was THRILLED to be out and socializing.

So far this week has been more of the same. I'm actually feeling kind of down today. I had my first exam and I got a B. I know I should be happy, 'cause it's better than a C, but I'm not. It's one thing if I wasn't studying, but ALL I DO is study. The problem, I believe, is that I'm not quite in the groove yet when it comes to thinking like a nurse. And also, there's not a lot of black-and-white about medical things. Most of our questions are about patient situations and how we would respond. Based on the scientific facts, how I would respond might not necessarily be wrong, but then I have no real-world nursing experience and I don't necessarily think the way my professor does. And therein lies the problem.

I can study the facts until, well, forever. But that won't necessarily mean an A. And it won't necessarily mean a B either. But it also doesn't mean I won't pass my classes and become a great Nurse Practitioner. I have to become content with the idea that passing = good. B's aren't bad, they're beautiful. And if I keep saying that maybe I'll begin to believe it.

Explanation to Follow

The keys in the front door of my apartment are wrong. They are backwards. You have to turn the lock into the door jam to open it. And then the door sticks. Usually I try to unlock both locks and in the process relock them. Then when I finally do unlock them (for reals), the door sticks and makes me think I really didn’t unlock them in the first place. I try it again before I figure it out. Five minutes later the door finally is open. Monday was the first time that I opened both my locks without even thinking about it. I celebrated with…reading a chapter in one of my text books.

It is almost the end of the second week of school and some things (like how my door works!) are starting to click. I don’t have to think every minute about where I’m supposed to be and what I should be doing. My body has adjusted to appreciating six hours of sleep, satisfying adrenaline-induced hunger with what is cheap and backpack friendly, and feeling clear-headed only if I spend time with the treadmill.

Since living here I’ve eaten a lot of Indian take-out. It’s lasted longer than my normal food obsessions. I crave Indian food like it’s water. I can’t get enough of it. Which got me thinking…when I studied abroad in England I ate Indian food all the time. It filled the void that Mexican food occupied in my So Cal life. While I can still get Mexican food here in lovely B’more, I want Indian more. I wonder if my Indian cravings tap into some sort of conditioned you-are-away-from-home-but-will-survive neurological pathway from my time in the UK. Whatever the reason, I want it more than I can afford to buy it. So I’ve started to cook it myself! It’s not as good but it fills the need. For now.

So I’ve got my Indian food habits in place and my door unlocks with ease. It’s all coming together right? That’s how I felt on Monday. But then Tuesday hit and everything felt like it was falling apart. And by “everything” I really mean that school was hard that day. We had a crazy three hour lecture that left me staring at the prof--jaw dropped, eyes wide, peripheral blood vessels vasoconstricted (pale skin) all to non-verbally convey the expression: you’ve got to be kidding. The prof kept talking about things we didn’t understand and when we questioned it, her answer was, “I’ll explain later.”

Today was better then yesterday. We talked about how to give a male patient a bed bath. Someone asked what to do if the man gets “turned on.” We all laughed because every single one of us—girl and guy alike—wondered the same thing. We were instructed, in that situation, to act as though it weren’t a big deal, tell him something to the effect of, “It happens all the time,” and save any school-girl giggling until we’re safely in the lounge with our nurse friends.

When I left school the sky was dark. There was thunder, lighting and torrential rain. My friends and I missed the shuttle bus by seconds and got drenched. Cars drove by and splashed us with the puddles on the side of the road. We laughed through our shivering. All the laughter was good.

All the things that weren’t explained still haven’t been, but for the second time I was able to unlock my door with ease.

Today was better then yesterday. That is what matters.

Further Explanation

Regarding my financial whining from yesterday--I don't want to make it sound like I am actually starving. As most people who have had to pay for a new home or for school knows, moving into a life based on less income and a tighter budget is always challgening. Especially if you have been used to not worrying about these sorts of things. Since I am very type-A and tend to be a worrier, I also tend to panic pretty easily. That's all that was about. I know we all have had financial concerns at one point or another. I just happen to be at the peak of one right now.

Stomping My Feet

Baltimorian's pronounce "Baltimore" without the 't' sound, so that the 't' sounds more like a soft 'd.' In fact, it sounds sort of like Voldemort (if the final 't' in Voldemort were silent). I wonder if anyone else has ever made that connection...or if it's just my crazy over-scienced brain making connections to a Harry Potter world as a form of escape.

So...I'm really poor. No--I'm really, REALLY poor. I'm thinking things like, "You don't really need to take the bus...walk and save the $3." Or, "Can I afford that small 7-11 drip coffee today?" I don't like it. Not one bit. I actually added Top Ramen to my shopping list the other day. But I can't afford to go grocery shopping until next week. Such is the life of a second-time college/grad student, I suppose.

JHU is very advanced, in terms of online devices. They're probably on par with every other large, private and over-funded higher educational institute in America. However, compared to the JC I did my pre-reqs at, JHU is very advanced. Most of the time, I appreciate that very much. But the other night I was having some trouble with new software related to all their super advanced IT-ness. I decided to take a break and do something relaxing, to step away from my brewing frustration. I wanted to update my iPod software. In the process, I somehow deleted half of the music library on my hard drive (over 25 GB). The music is still on my iPod, but you can't transfer music in that direction. Fortunately, I have back-up CD's with everything on it, but I lost all my play lists. It takes a lot of time to organize/add all that music back in! Wah, wah.

In response to all my techno-issues, I literally stomped my feet in frustration. School is making me revert to a less mature version of me.

Speaking of school...today was my 3rd day of classes, and I am (illegally) taking a minute to do non-school related things right now (writing this post). But it's only a few minutes...and I had some stuff to share.

There have been a couple of moments over the past week (usually in class or when I was at orientation) where I had a quick, intense, fleeting feeling of "What the hell am I doing?!?!"

I looked around at a room full of people I barely know, in a city that barely feels like home, in a field of study where everything is new to me and I feel constantly stupid 'cause I can't do the most basic of things, on a side of the country that is miles and miles away from everything that feels "right" to me. And I think, "What have I gotten myself in to?"

And then the instructor puts up a new power point slide. And I start furiously writing to keep up with her. And class ends, and I take the bus home to an apartment in the center of Balt...er...The-City-That-Won't-Be-Named* And then life goes on.

I do not doubt what I have done 99.99% of the time. But every now and then, when I'm not looking, that 0.01% creeps in.


*If you don't get this, you should read Harry Potter and possibly become more cool.

Color Me Oriented

(Please note: Today's post is in the three parts.This is the third part. Scroll down to start with the first one, or click here.)

My orientation was last week. It was informative but overwhelming. There are 121 people in my program (7% men). I got to know some of the girls better and met some other nice people. Now I have the group of people I sit with and hang out with. They’re fun, and they all live in my ‘hood. They all live in the same complex, in fact, which makes visiting easy. On Friday night we went down to one of the girls apartments where we had margaritas and played games. I would have been happy to leave it at that, but these girls were set on going out. We did, and it was okay, but I really enjoyed the non-going out part best. I don’t know all these girls that well yet, but I know I will soon, and I’m glad to have that comfort that a group of friends brings.

Speaking of friends…I went to a birthday/house party with my journalist friends. It’s fun having two different groups, and I really like these journalists because they always know about the cool things going on, they’re closer to me in age and interest, and they’re just very interesting/fun/good people. We actually discussed this blog a bit and henceforth the girl I referred to as LK will now be called Fiz Fay. And one of the girls I went to Brew in the Zoo with will now be called Sharpie.

The rest of my weekend has been/will be spent working on school stuff. They gave us some prep work a couple of months ago, which I had almost finished when they announced that we had about 9 more chapters to prepare before Monday. But they didn’t tell us this until Friday!!! That gives us two days to finish our other work and read/prepare 9 more chapters. The funny thing is that they kept saying things like, “Enjoy your last free weekend” and “This is a light weekend. It’s gonna get worse.” Joy.

Here is a picture of all the books I had to buy. Keep in mind, these are only for this summer semester. That means these are 10 weeks worth of books. They cost about $600 in total.

As part of our orientation they gave an extensive presentation on time management and how to stay afloat during these 13 months. They said we need to be ruthless about prioritizing and cutting out non-necessary obligations. We have to learn to say “no.” I am HORRIBLE about saying no. But I do realize it is going to become an important step to maintaining my sanity. That being said, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up with the book club and with some of the photo editing I had in progress ( I have to finish my Spain pictures and edit/post my cross country ones). I’ll also have trouble talking on the phone as much and emailing/blogging as frequently. My apologies ahead of time if I become a bit MIA.

On that note, I must hit the books again. Have a good week and I hope to post more soon!

Updates

I got my apartment in B-more all lined up! YAY! That is a big weight off my shoulders. But I am still waiting on something even bigger: Financial Aid. Yuck.

In other news I spent last night with my “boyfriend”. I watched The Notebook.

And finally, I have a new addiction. Pink Berry. It's so yummy!! I want it ALL the time. Fortunately, and unfortunately, there's one only a couple miles away from my house. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I pass it whenever I get off the freeway to go home.

Hit the Beat Now*

Whenever I have to do something that is really important, or something I am nervous about (like take a big test, run a long distance, give a big presentation) there is a moment right before it starts where my mind goes from a panic/stress mode to a calm quiet. I stress until it's time to not to, and then I think, "don't think, just go!" I go on autopilot. I take the test, run the run, present. It always works. I never freeze up.

I found out on Friday that I got into the other nursing school I was waiting on. One could argue that this school is better than the first. Personally I think it offers better programs and opportunities more in line with what I want. So I've decided to go there. I am still moving to the east coast but now much sooner. Sooner as in two months.

So I've made lists, had discussions, created spreadsheets organizing the "project." Now I need to start actually preparing for the move. Physically. I need to sort through my stuff and decide what to get rid of. There is so much I no longer want, and I am looking forward to this move being the catalyst that really drives a transition from the stuff of my youth to a leaner, more adult compilation of stuff. So this is my plan. And I need to start.

Yesterday I stood in front of my bookshelf. On every shelf there were a handful of books I didn't want to read, didn't like, or no longer feel the need to keep. But I didn't want to take anything off the bookshelf. So I just looked. I wasn't ready to dismantle. I froze up.

Today I woke up early and went for a run along the beach. It felt good to be outside after almost two months of primarily indoor exercise. On the run I decided it's time. It was a little late, but the "don't think just go!" moment happened. The tear down starts today.

*This is reference to Lisa Lisa and her Cult Jam. I've been listening to some favs from the 80's lately. I can feel the beat now. Que sera, que sera.

Dueling Philosphies

I keep forgetting that it's Valentine's day. I guess I am just preoccupied with other thoughts. My day isn't full of love and pink, it is full of sore muscles and structure. Wake up, workout, go to work, go to school. The structure is punctuated with thoughts of food. I feel like eating lots of it, but I have only brought oatmeal and cliff bars and veggies with me. I am still dreaming of the fabulous Indian meal I had last night. I want more of it. I am also trying to decide if/when I should drop one of the classes I am taking. CMB convinced me to go tonight at least. We'll be doing venous punctures on mannequins. He says it's good practice, even if I will have to learn how later regardless. He has a point, but then, not going would be really nice too. My right arm still sports a large bruise where a nurse botched up a blood test last week. It hurts and it kind of turns me off to the idea of learning how to impose such bruises on other people. Well, it turns me off to the idea TODAY at least. In regards to this situation, I am stuck between the philosophy of "learn as much as you can, be the best you can be, NOW" and "why work hard today when you'll be working so hard later?" Hmm....which one to pick and run with....

Recommendations:

Mr.FOB is a super cool organization that introduces you to various ethnic foods. It takes you to the best places, provides insight into dishes not normally served here, and provides some knowledge as to the way the food should be eaten. I joined up for the Indian meal they hosted last night and was blown away at how good it was. I eat a lot of Indian food, both locally and during my time in England, and I never had any of these specific dishes. And the best part? Mr. FOB was created by a friend of mine and her fellow students attending business school right now. I love supporting the new, cool things my friends do!

I just finished reading The Memory Keeper's Daugher. It was really good. It wasn't a White Oleander, Bel Canto, Fall on Your Knees kind of good, but it was enjoyable and interesting. It deals with secrets and how they can affect the lives of everyone involved. It gave some relevant, good insight into the human psyche, and in many ways I identified with portions of the experience and with pieces of the emotion at play.