Connection

Ah…the end of 7th week. I forgot how sweet life can get as you approach the end of a semester. It’s Saturday morning, and I have a big research project to work on. So naturally, I decided now would be a good time to catch up on the blog.

Baby, We Were Born to Run

The first bit of info to share…I’m running again! And more than just on the treadmill for exercise. I’m actually running outside! I found a running partner who is at a similar pace to me. She lives in my neighborhood, she’s in my nursing program and we always have great conversations. (Similar running paces + good conversations = GREAT running partner.) We’re running together on Saturday mornings and we’re trying to also get one run in together during the week. So far, so good. It feels great to running outside again, and to have running goals. And while it goes not feel great to wake up early on a Saturday, it is wonderful to be done exercising, showering, and ready to go with the rest of your “weekend to-do’s” by 9 AM. We are thinking about running a half marathon down the road. The Baltimore marathon (and half) is in October. Maybe at that time we’ll be ready. Much depends on if we keep up the running through our break, through the worst month of the year (heat/humidity-wise), and through the beginning of what may be a busier semester.

Friends, of the B-more Variety

Last week things came together for me regarding school, home, clinicals. This week things seem to have come together socially. I realized that I don’t click as well with some of the girls I hung out with at the beginning of the semester (the ones from school that I was going out with on weekends; the 21 year-olds who love sugary shots). They’re nice girls, and I have fun with them, but I realized we have different interests. And in the process I’ve become closer with some other girls that have more in common with me. It’s kind of strange shifting who you hang out with, especially in a school environment. Patterns like where you sit in class, who you eat lunch with, who you sit next to on the shuttle develop quickly. When there is a lot of change, these little routines become a key contributor to comfort, and following them gives a sense of belonging. All this can make disentangling a little difficult, and a little awkward.

So my “best friend in the program” is a girl I’ll call the model. She’s 22, from the east coast, and very smart. And, as the nickname suggests, she could be a model. I didn’t like her at first. She was quiet and aloof, and I erroneously interpreted that as standoff-ish and conceited. Because of classes and those patterns I mentioned above, we ended up getting to know each other better. I’ve come to discover that we actually have a lot in common when it comes to how we approach school, how we study and what we stress about. Last week she said I was her “best friend in the program.” It made me happy because I felt similarly. It’s nice to have a friend who gets it when you stress about an exam (because they are stressing too). But it also made me feel childish. Seven weeks in and there are already cliques, best friend alliances, and gossip. No matter how old we all are, a bunch of girls together in school will always have a touch of junior high to it.

Friends, of the So Cal Variety

Speaking of friends, HBo bought her ticket to come visit over Thanksgiving! I am SO very excited to share my whole life here with someone from home.

Moving away is the best test of friendship. Everyone says they’ll visit but in my experience, very few actually do. I’m not criticizing here. I get it--it’s hard to visit. It takes time and money and energy. So when someone does take the time, spend the money, use the energy, it means a lot to me. Nothing says “I value this friendship” like a visit does.

My Neighbor, R

On Wednesday morning I walked out of my building and saw a man crouched down in the middle of the street. A woman was near him, trying to help, and a car was in the intersection blocking traffic. We were told in one of our classes that as nurses, we have a legal obligation to help. We were also told that this applies to nursing students. There may be a legal component to helping, but there’s also an ethical one. I didn’t even have to think about it—I walked over to the man to see if there was anything I could do. His name is R, he is 80 years old and lives in my building. He had a numb leg and was trying to cross the street. A car was approaching quickly, so he tried to speed up. In the process he fell and badly hit his head and hand. When I got there he was bleeding badly and couldn’t get up. The woman who was helping him said that he wasn’t able to move. R insisted that he could--he just needed to take his time and regain his balance. It was strange…at that moment it’s like I slipped into another version of me. I asked some questions and told him I thought I could help. I also explained I was a nursing student. I grabbed him the way we learned in school (it’s called a geri-hold and it can give a lot of support). I told him to take his time. Slowly but surely, he did manage to stand up. I managed to avoid getting blood on my clothes.

I got him back to the apartment building where he could sit and wait for the ambulance someone had called. He was a little shaken and the blood was still dripping, but he was very grateful for the help. He said a couple of times that I was really strong (I’m not—it’s the geri hold!). I could tell from his expression that he was really scared. I could also tell that he completely trusted me and was looking to me for guidance. Once he was safe and sitting, I had to leave. I felt bad, but I had an exam to get to. I didn’t notice I had blood on my hands until a few minutes later.

The whole experience was very emotionally charged. There was definitely some adrenaline being pumped through my system, and while I felt a little shaken up from it, I mostly felt energized. It felt really good to help someone. Connecting with a stranger so quickly and so intensely over something this simple was strange. My memories of those minutes have become starkly clear and marked. Flashbulb memories, I believe.

I have thought about R a lot since Wednesday. In some ways he was my first real patient.

Color Me Oriented

(Please note: Today's post is in the three parts.This is the third part. Scroll down to start with the first one, or click here.)

My orientation was last week. It was informative but overwhelming. There are 121 people in my program (7% men). I got to know some of the girls better and met some other nice people. Now I have the group of people I sit with and hang out with. They’re fun, and they all live in my ‘hood. They all live in the same complex, in fact, which makes visiting easy. On Friday night we went down to one of the girls apartments where we had margaritas and played games. I would have been happy to leave it at that, but these girls were set on going out. We did, and it was okay, but I really enjoyed the non-going out part best. I don’t know all these girls that well yet, but I know I will soon, and I’m glad to have that comfort that a group of friends brings.

Speaking of friends…I went to a birthday/house party with my journalist friends. It’s fun having two different groups, and I really like these journalists because they always know about the cool things going on, they’re closer to me in age and interest, and they’re just very interesting/fun/good people. We actually discussed this blog a bit and henceforth the girl I referred to as LK will now be called Fiz Fay. And one of the girls I went to Brew in the Zoo with will now be called Sharpie.

The rest of my weekend has been/will be spent working on school stuff. They gave us some prep work a couple of months ago, which I had almost finished when they announced that we had about 9 more chapters to prepare before Monday. But they didn’t tell us this until Friday!!! That gives us two days to finish our other work and read/prepare 9 more chapters. The funny thing is that they kept saying things like, “Enjoy your last free weekend” and “This is a light weekend. It’s gonna get worse.” Joy.

Here is a picture of all the books I had to buy. Keep in mind, these are only for this summer semester. That means these are 10 weeks worth of books. They cost about $600 in total.

As part of our orientation they gave an extensive presentation on time management and how to stay afloat during these 13 months. They said we need to be ruthless about prioritizing and cutting out non-necessary obligations. We have to learn to say “no.” I am HORRIBLE about saying no. But I do realize it is going to become an important step to maintaining my sanity. That being said, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up with the book club and with some of the photo editing I had in progress ( I have to finish my Spain pictures and edit/post my cross country ones). I’ll also have trouble talking on the phone as much and emailing/blogging as frequently. My apologies ahead of time if I become a bit MIA.

On that note, I must hit the books again. Have a good week and I hope to post more soon!

Believing in the Underdog

I survived the cross-country trip and am now settled in Baltimore. So far I really love the city! It’s got so much history and fun little neighborhoods to explore. Prior to coming here I got lots of comments along the lines of, “Despite what you hear about it, Baltimore is great!” and “I was surprised how much I really liked it.” All the comments were full of affection but qualified as though they expected their opinions to be challenged. Or as though one might not believe how great the city is. I think I’m going to love this place in the same way that I loved Long Beach. It’s sort of like the underdog. It’s got some rough patches, but the rough paired with the good makes it all the more lovable.

Plus, I’ve only seen good things so far. The weather has been nice. I’m in love with my neighborhood and apartment (my actual space and the building). There are cute boys who invite me to parties in the elevator. The Inner Harbor is stunning in the way that only big cities on water can be (a cross between Sydney and San Francisco, in my opinion). There are lots of Indian places that deliver. Nothing is far away. I already have friends within a two block radius of my place (thanks to Laura!). The pool is on the 20th floor and is open for use starting this weekend. There’s a big mall about a mile away with all the important stores in it. There’s lots of coastline and water front areas to explore. What more could a girl want?

Baltimore is sometimes shortened to B’more. “Be More.” I like that philosophy. There seems to be some sort of campaign going on around the city with signs that say “Believe” everywhere. Kind of like this:
















Be More. Believe. This is my kind of place.

My parents left yesterday and I was really sad. I’d gotten used to being with them 24-7 and while that did drive me crazy at times, I felt sad without them initially. I think the problem with driving cross-country is that the distance is really felt. Flying for 6 hours from coast to coast is obviously the same distance, and sure, it’s a long day in the air. But when you travel all those miles by road…well….it just makes you feel that much further. You really get that you’re on one side of this great big country while everyone you love is way across on the other. I didn’t feel lonely, but I felt far, far away.

Last night I had dinner with my friend SC (from the year I lived in England) in Washington DC. It was great catching up with her but wow was it hard to drive out of that city! I got lost. It was dark. I was tired. I ended up taking the long way around only to stumble across a major traffic jam at 11:30 PM.

Today I went to the Baltimore Farmer’s Market with my new friend LK. I bought strawberries, asparagus and a rosemary plant. I avoided looking at the crepes, sausage sandwiches, and various pastries. But I knew they were there. Lurking in my periphery and calling me to feast.

After that, I went to a “Wine in the Woods” festival where they provided “ample tasting” for a small price. It was all green grass and big trees, sunshine and jazz, laughter and fair food, and lots and lots of Maryland vino. Did you know Maryland has many wineries? I did not. Some of it is really good. Although, after some ample tasting, what isn’t?

Premature Nostalgia and the Silly Funeral Hall Paintings

Last weekend my beautiful, wonderful friends* threw me a surprise party. I had some idea that some sort of surprise was happening. But I thought it would be much closer to the time I actually leave (which is at the beginning of May). My friend, the Wombat, came in to visit for the weekend. So I went into Friday evening expecting a good time with her. We had plans to meet up with some other friends for sushi and dancing on Saturday night. Everything went according to my plan (my plan = sushi/dancing), and then bang! Surprise! There were my mom and dad and all my friends, including my friends from out of town!! It was so incredibly fun. My only complaint is that it went too quickly. These fun nights always do, especially as the number of days standing between "now" and May 5th gets smaller.

The funny thing is that a few weeks ago, I was having one of those bad days where you feel old, ugly, fat, etc. Nothing was going right, and I thought things like "no one likes me" and "no one will care if I'm gone." So I started planning my own going away party. It was something I most definitely didn't want to plan, but several people had asked if I was doing anything before I left and no one indicated to me they would throw one on my behalf, so I (reluctantly) sent out a save-the-date for myself. Well all that was just very silly because during that time my friends were busy planning a fabulous shindig.

The party was fantastic, and it is the first time in my life I was truly surprised. In fact, I was so surprised that I actually felt uncomfortable for about a millisecond. Just because I am a bit of control-freak sometimes, and the night was supposed to go a certain way. When it didn't, it took me a minute to recover. But once I recovered I loved every minute of it all, and I continue to relish in memories of the night.

I spent Sunday with friends reliving all the details of the night, focusing on the lies they used to trick me and all the potential slip ups everyone had when they talked to me before Saturday night. When everyone was gone and I was alone late Sunday night+, I began to get sad for the first time. Prior to this point I've been happy and excited. I knew I would get sad, and I was sad at a distance when others told me how they felt about my leaving. But on Sunday the sadness hit me hard. And now that I've had that first taste, it bubbles up often. I am filling with premature nostalgia for all the little details of my life here and now.

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I have been here for over four years, but I am not sad about leaving this job or this company. The things I will miss about this place changed long ago, and I've been missing them already. The problem is that saying good-bye here is one more good-bye closer to the big good-bye; it is a large and permanent marker on the final count-down.

A few minutes ago I walked to the kitchen. I went through the mail room and cut down a quiet hallway. This hallway is lined with paintings a vendor gave the company a long time ago. They are framed in heavy, gaudy gold. They are random and some of them are ugly. They make the hallway look like a funeral parlor. But they're part of the experience one gets when they walk through the mail room, down the hall, and to the kitchen. After tomorrow I'll never see them and think "how odd" again. Will I miss these paintings and this walk? No. But they are part of this unique experience, and now that it's ending, even these silly funeral hall paintings make me sad.

*KA, General, Napper, HBo, and my Princepessa thank you so very much for planning this!!! KM, Wombat, my bro, and DJS thank you so much for coming a long way and making the party extra special! Je vous aime toujours! (It's easier to be emotional in a foreign language.)

+Fortunately, I was only REALLY sad for a very short amount of time because then I watched the Battlestar Galactica season 3 finale and again, all I can say is, "MY GOD." It was a really fantastic season ending. As usual the story continues to surprise! Go BSG!

A Crystal Ball On a Stick

I spent yesterday going through the closet in my old bedroom at my parents place. It felt like I spent the entire day wrapped up in memories of things forgotten. My goal was to get rid of all the stuff I no longer need, and I did, but I am glad I kept so much so that I could spend yesterday remembering. Like my mother, I tend to keep too much in an effort to preserve. Like my father, I am very organized about how I keep all this stuff. So I was faced with a very organized crap-load of stuff to wade through. At times, the stuff I came across was heart-warming, and at other times, the stuff just made me laugh. It's funny how we grow and change when we aren't paying attention:

1) Journals: I have kept journals most of my life. I am not the best at updating them regularly, but I always have one. Reading through the things that I thought journal-worthy is just funny. And I discovered many new ways in which I have grown up. Especially my printing. It used to be so neat and orderly! Now it is just much better for everyone if I only type. I blame technology for this.

2) School Work: I kept all the important school work I did for all my meaningful classes in high school and college. I was impressed with some of the papers I wrote. Not because they were so great but because when I read them now, I have no idea what I am talking about. Reading my old papers makes me sound so smart because I have forgotten almost everything specific thing I learned in school! Sure, I remember the major theories and concepts, the books that moved me and the topics I enjoyed, but I don't remember what the Sapir-Wharf hypothesis is, or how Cathexis plays a part in male-female gender dynamics. It's funny how the real world can make you so out of touch with the theoretical, academic one.

3) The Book CH, DS and JL sent me when I was in the UK: The year I was abroad, I remember being surprised at who kept in touch and who didn't. The friends I assumed would be emailing all the time, in fact, barely did at all. The friends who I didn't expect to hear from wrote all the time. Personally, I show appreciation towards friends by keeping in touch with them and doing things with them, so when some people did not do that with me, it made (makes) me feel sad and unappreciated. When some friends went above and beyond my expectations, it made (makes) me happy to have friends like them in my life. CH, DS and, their roommate at the time, JL were fantastic at keeping in touch with me while I was away. They sent letters and postcards all the time (which I kept!) and one day they even wrote a story (with pictures included) about how Hammy (their Hamster) made a run for freedom. It was hilarious and I love it. They even bound the pages with pretty lavender yarn. That is something I am going to keep. CH and DS, thanks! JL, wherever you are, I miss you!

4) Corsages: I was a sappy little high school girl who used to listen to love songs while falling asleep at night. So I guess it is not all that surprising that I also kept all my corsages from high school dances. I literally laughed out loud when I saw this:

It is a collection of my favorite corsages from my favorite dances, dried and organized by the name and date of the dance and includes the name of the lucky boy who got to take me. This didn't make it to the "keep" pile.

See what I mean about my printing though? Messy messy messy.

5) A Crystal Ball on a Stick: My parents bought me a little brass stick with a crystal ball on the end of it. It was like a wand. And when I was five I loved it. I thought it was magical and very valuable. So when burglers broke into our house when I was 7 (when we lived in Taipei). I remember running upstairs to my bedroom, retrieving it from the hiding place I kept it in, and giving an out-loud sigh of relief that the buglers had not found and taken this precious thing.

6) A Baby Tee: When I was a baby, my dad worked for a Tech Support team at a then cutting edge computer company. Their team made t-shirts that said "Ampex" on the front and had this message on the back: "Ampex Tech Support gets it up faster and keeps it up longer." This is in reference to computer systems, among other things. One of my dad's co-workers made a little baby t-shirt for me to wear. I was only 6 months old when a photo of me wearing the shirt appeared in the company newsletter, thereby making me a famous tech-support baby. This little tiny t-shirt was amongst the stuff I came across yesterday.

It's funny...a couple of years ago, my mom was cleaning out her room and came across the same t-shirt, adult sized. She gave it to me and it has since become one of my favorite sleep-shirts. So I now have a baby-sized and adult-sized version of the shirt, both of which I have worn.

5) Memoir Essays: After I graduated college I took several memoir writing classes. I came across all the things I wrote for them last night and it made me really miss that kind of writing. I guess this blog sort of taps into that same need for me, but this writing is still very different then that kind. Many of the essays focused on things I haven't forgotten, Reading them, however, made me recall details I had forgotten. And they made me feel, simultaneously, a great wave of nostalgia and a strong urge to write more.

Enough about the past....

Did anyone see last night's episode of "the best show on TV?" AKA Battlestar Gallactica? My God(s)*. Big things happened. It is actually making me sad today.

I sang two songs with my dad's band at a bar on Friday night! If you've known me long enough you know that I 1) love to sing, but 2) am very shy about doing so publicly. It was a big deal, personally, to face that fear. I didn't even want a lot of people to know about it. I did it though, and it went pretty well! Thanks HB and BD for the support!


*In BSG, there are many gods. Thus, they say, "My Gods!" when crazy things happen.

Giving Away the Bride

This past weekend was my BFF's bachlorette party in Vegas. I had a great time! It was truly fun to be out in Vegas again with (13) girlfriends. Despite staying out until 5 AM on Friday night, it was apparent that we're all a bit older. We couldn't hang as long on Saturday night and my feel only just recovered yesterday from two nights of dancing in heels.

Even though the entire weekend was really fun, I have to admit that I wasn't looking forward to it. And I think the reason is because the whole event is in celebration of a wedding. And a wedding means a marriage, which means a change in our friendship. As much as people say that relationships don't change friendships, they do. Normally those changes come before the wedding day though. As soon as the friend becomes really excited and happy about her new guy, the friendship goes to the back-burner. The friend only wants to spend time with the guy. Or wants to spend most of her time with the guy. And when you're hanging out, she tries to pretend to be 100% there but she never is. So the involved girl starts bringing her guy along more. Or has to check with him before making plans with her girlfriends. I know this whole process is normal, and I totally get it, but it's still sad.

Well the problem with BFF's situation is that I have never even met her fiancee (due to logistics). This is the person that makes her happiest in the world. The person she wants to be spending the rest of her life with. The person who is supposedly going to accompany BFF, myself and my one-day husband on future travels. She is SO very excited about him and everything. And I am SO very excited that she is happy. But I don't know him...and it's hard for me to lose a large piece of her to this person I don't know.

So I wasn't 100% excited about the Bachlorette. And I don't think I'll have a chance to see BFF again before I move away. And due to school I might not even get to be at the wedding. So saying good-bye on Sunday was very, very hard, and I cried all the way to the airport.

Today I am feeling very reluctant about losing friends to great guys, and for the first time ever, I am not sad that I'm single. I am sad that most of my friends are starting not to be.