OH MY GOD

Why do we do things that we know aren't good for us? Or, why do we choose to do things less good for us when we know there are better options??

Here are some examples of this in my life.

I KNOW I feel so good after I work out. And I'm generally good about doing so regularly, but I usually don't want to. And I often find reasons not to. Why???

I KNOW the kinds of guys I should avoid getting involved with. I know it so well I could write a book about it. And I think I give (or am capable of giving) pretty good advice to others about how to avoid these very guys. But sometimes I continue to make bad decisions. Why???

I KNOW I like to do well in school. And I know I hate to be up late the new night before an exam cramming. I plan to do a little bit of work each day. I spend many minutes figuring out the best way to organize my time most efficiently. Then I proceed to not follow my well-calculated plan and spend the night before the exam cramming. Why???

I used to think that you get smarter as you get older. And in many ways you do. You see, I am now smart enough to know that I do these things. I am smart enough to know that these behavioral patterns typically involve some sort of self-lie. Some sort of whispered non-truth along the lines of, "Working out tomorrow before school is better than doing it tonight," and "Maybe that 26 year old bartender really isn't just looking to get some." Yes, I am smart enough to know that this happens somewhere in my head at some point on that slippery slope. I am even aware of the psychology behind WHY I do some of these things. But I am still not smart enough to NOT do them.

When does that happen? When do you get smart enough to start acting smart all the time??

Last week I was walking with a friend and across the street a woman sitting at the bus stop spontaneously yelled out loud to no one in particular, "OH MY GOD!" It was exactly the kind of thing I feel like doing sometimes.

Connection

Ah…the end of 7th week. I forgot how sweet life can get as you approach the end of a semester. It’s Saturday morning, and I have a big research project to work on. So naturally, I decided now would be a good time to catch up on the blog.

Baby, We Were Born to Run

The first bit of info to share…I’m running again! And more than just on the treadmill for exercise. I’m actually running outside! I found a running partner who is at a similar pace to me. She lives in my neighborhood, she’s in my nursing program and we always have great conversations. (Similar running paces + good conversations = GREAT running partner.) We’re running together on Saturday mornings and we’re trying to also get one run in together during the week. So far, so good. It feels great to running outside again, and to have running goals. And while it goes not feel great to wake up early on a Saturday, it is wonderful to be done exercising, showering, and ready to go with the rest of your “weekend to-do’s” by 9 AM. We are thinking about running a half marathon down the road. The Baltimore marathon (and half) is in October. Maybe at that time we’ll be ready. Much depends on if we keep up the running through our break, through the worst month of the year (heat/humidity-wise), and through the beginning of what may be a busier semester.

Friends, of the B-more Variety

Last week things came together for me regarding school, home, clinicals. This week things seem to have come together socially. I realized that I don’t click as well with some of the girls I hung out with at the beginning of the semester (the ones from school that I was going out with on weekends; the 21 year-olds who love sugary shots). They’re nice girls, and I have fun with them, but I realized we have different interests. And in the process I’ve become closer with some other girls that have more in common with me. It’s kind of strange shifting who you hang out with, especially in a school environment. Patterns like where you sit in class, who you eat lunch with, who you sit next to on the shuttle develop quickly. When there is a lot of change, these little routines become a key contributor to comfort, and following them gives a sense of belonging. All this can make disentangling a little difficult, and a little awkward.

So my “best friend in the program” is a girl I’ll call the model. She’s 22, from the east coast, and very smart. And, as the nickname suggests, she could be a model. I didn’t like her at first. She was quiet and aloof, and I erroneously interpreted that as standoff-ish and conceited. Because of classes and those patterns I mentioned above, we ended up getting to know each other better. I’ve come to discover that we actually have a lot in common when it comes to how we approach school, how we study and what we stress about. Last week she said I was her “best friend in the program.” It made me happy because I felt similarly. It’s nice to have a friend who gets it when you stress about an exam (because they are stressing too). But it also made me feel childish. Seven weeks in and there are already cliques, best friend alliances, and gossip. No matter how old we all are, a bunch of girls together in school will always have a touch of junior high to it.

Friends, of the So Cal Variety

Speaking of friends, HBo bought her ticket to come visit over Thanksgiving! I am SO very excited to share my whole life here with someone from home.

Moving away is the best test of friendship. Everyone says they’ll visit but in my experience, very few actually do. I’m not criticizing here. I get it--it’s hard to visit. It takes time and money and energy. So when someone does take the time, spend the money, use the energy, it means a lot to me. Nothing says “I value this friendship” like a visit does.

My Neighbor, R

On Wednesday morning I walked out of my building and saw a man crouched down in the middle of the street. A woman was near him, trying to help, and a car was in the intersection blocking traffic. We were told in one of our classes that as nurses, we have a legal obligation to help. We were also told that this applies to nursing students. There may be a legal component to helping, but there’s also an ethical one. I didn’t even have to think about it—I walked over to the man to see if there was anything I could do. His name is R, he is 80 years old and lives in my building. He had a numb leg and was trying to cross the street. A car was approaching quickly, so he tried to speed up. In the process he fell and badly hit his head and hand. When I got there he was bleeding badly and couldn’t get up. The woman who was helping him said that he wasn’t able to move. R insisted that he could--he just needed to take his time and regain his balance. It was strange…at that moment it’s like I slipped into another version of me. I asked some questions and told him I thought I could help. I also explained I was a nursing student. I grabbed him the way we learned in school (it’s called a geri-hold and it can give a lot of support). I told him to take his time. Slowly but surely, he did manage to stand up. I managed to avoid getting blood on my clothes.

I got him back to the apartment building where he could sit and wait for the ambulance someone had called. He was a little shaken and the blood was still dripping, but he was very grateful for the help. He said a couple of times that I was really strong (I’m not—it’s the geri hold!). I could tell from his expression that he was really scared. I could also tell that he completely trusted me and was looking to me for guidance. Once he was safe and sitting, I had to leave. I felt bad, but I had an exam to get to. I didn’t notice I had blood on my hands until a few minutes later.

The whole experience was very emotionally charged. There was definitely some adrenaline being pumped through my system, and while I felt a little shaken up from it, I mostly felt energized. It felt really good to help someone. Connecting with a stranger so quickly and so intensely over something this simple was strange. My memories of those minutes have become starkly clear and marked. Flashbulb memories, I believe.

I have thought about R a lot since Wednesday. In some ways he was my first real patient.

The Sound of Thursday

I started doing Spin before my Body Sculpting class. It's a tough two hour workout. Today was only my second day of doing them both together, and the instructor was particularly harsh in Body Sculpting. We worked with those step things (with a minimum of two risers.) We used weights and resistance bands. I've never done so many lunges and squat combinations in my life. And doing them AFTER an hour of hill work in spinning left me feeling very weak.

After class I walked to my car via a shortcut--cutting through a pretty little garden on a quaint stone path. I stepped on a stone at an angle, lost my balance and fell. I think I would have been able to right myself had my core muscles not been shaking. Whatever. I twisted my ankle, rammed my shin on a rock and said the F word loud enough for someone to come and see if I was okay. I was. Just a little sore.

Then on my drive into work, I spilled coffee all the way down my new shirt. My new ivory colored shirt. THANK GOD for Tide Pens. Seriously, it is one of my favorite things. If I were in the Sound of Music, I would have a verse in that Favorite Things song dedicated to the detergent pen. It would go like this:

Tide Pens and Sushi and Trader Joes Salsa
Battlestar Gallactica and very cheesy pasta
Fluffy down comforters and my grandmothers rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Weekend Recap

On Friday I had my first day of volunteering in the ER of a busy, urban hospital. It was fun! I got to do and see some cool things. Well, I guess "cool" depends on your perspective. The patients might not have used the same word. It's funny--the staff were quick to ignore me and were hesitant to be friendly at first. Many of them didn't even introduce themselves and only did so because I stuck my hand out and said, "Hi, I'm ML, the new volunteer." By the end of my shift though, the two guys I work with most were actively thinking of things to give me and then seemed surprised when my shift was over. Kind of like, "Wait...you're going now? But we have x and y for you to do!" In only four hours they were starting to trust and rely on me a little bit. I can't help but wonder if all of this--initially ignoring me, then being distant, then starting to trust and slightly depend--is a pattern related to the nature of their work. Regular crisis management has got to have some sort of side-effects on the way you deal with things.

After volunteering I went to Target to buy toothpaste and conditioner. $100 and two bags full of stuff later, I walked out. I have a love hate relationship with that store. They take so much of my money. Damn them! I do love my new stuff though...

Since 2007 began, I generally do my 5 weekly workouts in the morning. This past Saturday, however, I decided to get stuff done around the house first. And around lunch time something strange happened. I started getting really grumpy and annoyed with everything. For no reason. When I finally did make it to the gym, after a 60 min "Triathlon" workout (20 running, 20 biking, 20 swimming), my sudden and atypical bad mood began to lift. I felt good! As I was sitting in the hot tub and then in the steam room, I realized that perhaps my body is starting to depend on that "feel good" hormone release generated by exercise. I think I am addicted! It's not bad, but it is surprising. And now I am having trouble sticking to the 5X a week schedule. Now I feel compelled to exercise every day. Fortunately, my addiction to being lazy and sleeping in sometimes helps quell that urge.

On Saturday night I went to see my dad's band play. They're getting so good and I liked the restaurant they played at. It was fun hanging with BDP, her momma, and my momma. After that, I met up with the Private and a new friend of hers for drinks. This new friend is in charge of design merchandising at the Apple stores. Given that she works with a company that has it's finger on the pulse of all that is "cool" in technology right now, I wasn't surprised to discover that she is very fashionable and stylish herself. At one point in the evening she said, "You've got great hair! How do you style it?" I was thrilled! This girl, all decked out in clothes bought from expensive boutiques in New York, liked my hair.

I started catching up on my photo albums yesterday. I am very behind. The past couple of years of school-plus-work got in the way of things like this. Last night I was putting in photos from the end of 2004 and beginning of 2005. (See? I'm SO behind!). My goal is to be caught up to date with my albums before I move. That means putting in all the pictures I have already ordered (through the end of summer '05) and then ordering pictures from the Fall of 2005 through now. I'm already overwhelmed. But I shall persevere.