Premature Nostalgia and the Silly Funeral Hall Paintings

Last weekend my beautiful, wonderful friends* threw me a surprise party. I had some idea that some sort of surprise was happening. But I thought it would be much closer to the time I actually leave (which is at the beginning of May). My friend, the Wombat, came in to visit for the weekend. So I went into Friday evening expecting a good time with her. We had plans to meet up with some other friends for sushi and dancing on Saturday night. Everything went according to my plan (my plan = sushi/dancing), and then bang! Surprise! There were my mom and dad and all my friends, including my friends from out of town!! It was so incredibly fun. My only complaint is that it went too quickly. These fun nights always do, especially as the number of days standing between "now" and May 5th gets smaller.

The funny thing is that a few weeks ago, I was having one of those bad days where you feel old, ugly, fat, etc. Nothing was going right, and I thought things like "no one likes me" and "no one will care if I'm gone." So I started planning my own going away party. It was something I most definitely didn't want to plan, but several people had asked if I was doing anything before I left and no one indicated to me they would throw one on my behalf, so I (reluctantly) sent out a save-the-date for myself. Well all that was just very silly because during that time my friends were busy planning a fabulous shindig.

The party was fantastic, and it is the first time in my life I was truly surprised. In fact, I was so surprised that I actually felt uncomfortable for about a millisecond. Just because I am a bit of control-freak sometimes, and the night was supposed to go a certain way. When it didn't, it took me a minute to recover. But once I recovered I loved every minute of it all, and I continue to relish in memories of the night.

I spent Sunday with friends reliving all the details of the night, focusing on the lies they used to trick me and all the potential slip ups everyone had when they talked to me before Saturday night. When everyone was gone and I was alone late Sunday night+, I began to get sad for the first time. Prior to this point I've been happy and excited. I knew I would get sad, and I was sad at a distance when others told me how they felt about my leaving. But on Sunday the sadness hit me hard. And now that I've had that first taste, it bubbles up often. I am filling with premature nostalgia for all the little details of my life here and now.

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I have been here for over four years, but I am not sad about leaving this job or this company. The things I will miss about this place changed long ago, and I've been missing them already. The problem is that saying good-bye here is one more good-bye closer to the big good-bye; it is a large and permanent marker on the final count-down.

A few minutes ago I walked to the kitchen. I went through the mail room and cut down a quiet hallway. This hallway is lined with paintings a vendor gave the company a long time ago. They are framed in heavy, gaudy gold. They are random and some of them are ugly. They make the hallway look like a funeral parlor. But they're part of the experience one gets when they walk through the mail room, down the hall, and to the kitchen. After tomorrow I'll never see them and think "how odd" again. Will I miss these paintings and this walk? No. But they are part of this unique experience, and now that it's ending, even these silly funeral hall paintings make me sad.

*KA, General, Napper, HBo, and my Princepessa thank you so very much for planning this!!! KM, Wombat, my bro, and DJS thank you so much for coming a long way and making the party extra special! Je vous aime toujours! (It's easier to be emotional in a foreign language.)

+Fortunately, I was only REALLY sad for a very short amount of time because then I watched the Battlestar Galactica season 3 finale and again, all I can say is, "MY GOD." It was a really fantastic season ending. As usual the story continues to surprise! Go BSG!