Photos of the Month: Mexico

Pictures from mexico

Next Year

Finals are done. I got an A.

I didn't get in to UCSF. I guess 600 people applied for 90 spots. Those are pretty big odds but still, as a perfectionist who designates self-worth on things like this, I am feeling really low. Also, while I have back-up plans, they all require more pre-reqs and waiting until next year to apply.

My drive has lost serious forward-momentum. Have considered giving up.

I am off to Mexico tonight for the holidays. All decision-making postponed until next year.

Feliz Navidad

A Few of My Favorite Things

Yesterday I went to Disneyland with HB. I normally have classes all day but it's finals time and so schedules are different. I thought spending my day off at the happiest place on earth would be good. And it was. Aside from the usual favorites, we watched the Aladdin musical (which was surprisingly good and professional!). My favorite part was when Aladdin comes strolling in on a big, beautifully decorated elephant and walks through the audience before hitting the stage where he hopes to woo Jasmine as King Ali-ababa. It wasn't a real elephant but I loved this fake one any way (elephants are my favorite animal).

At night, we went on the King Arthur Carousel. I love carousels. Riding one is like an instant dose of childhood happiness. When I was a kid I used to pick out my favorite horses while waiting our turn. It had to be an outside horse so I could wave to my momma as we spun around. When the gates opened, I'd make a mad dash for one of the designated horses. Yesterday, at a mature age of 28, my strategy was no different. I picked my favorites--pointing them out to HB as they were discovered--and stampeded along side the five-year-olds when the gate slide open. You'll be happy to know, I got my favorite horse. And even though my mom wasn't there, I looked out at the crowd and waved a little. I think HB and I were the only adults on the carousel not accompanied by an actual child. Of course, HB was there with me and that was sort of the same thing. It was fun.

The whole park was beautiful and light up and glowing. It was brimming with Christmas and magic. I wish I believed in all that stuff still.

Breaking the Girl

B wrote that he'd like to get together again, but probably can't until after the holidays (he leaves soon to go back east). He is a 35 year old man, but still I can't help but wonder if this was a way of saying he doesn't like me and doesn't want to see me again. Of course, it could also just be the truth. We'll see!

CMB has been more distant since our conversation. It makes sense--he was drinking and confessed feelings he shouldn't have. So now he's pulling back a bit. I would do exactly the same thing. I have done exactly the same thing. But it still makes me sad. Actually, it makes me more confused than sad. Confused because I am sad but I shouldn't be. It's for the best this friendship ends.

The Not Knowing

I think I am slightly allergic to beer. My nose becomes stuffy whenever I drink it. Last night on the date it happened again. I had two Coronas (one was a mini corona! It came free with the purchase of a regular sized one. It was so cute!) and right away I became congested. Which, you know, sounds sexy. After I finished the beers we sat around longer talking and within a half hour, the stuffy nose became unstuffy. It's so strange!

Last night CMB told me how he feels about me. Again. I think my date with B inspired the communication. He was jealous. But the last time we talked about "us" was almost three months ago and we know each other so much better now. So the conversation was different. Plus, it was over text message. And it turns out he was drunk at the time. Which means the quality of the communication was pretty high. The summary of our exchange? 1) We both wish we'd met a long time ago, and 2) Life is crazy.

I'm supposed to get a letter from UCSF if I get an interview. They're supposed to be sent mid-December. It is mid-December RIGHT NOW. I go slightly crazy every single day when I open up the mailbox. And then a sense of panic washes over me. And now I'm starting to wonder if they've already sent them out and I just didn't get one. I want to call and ask, but I'm too scared. It is rare for me to be paralyzed by fear. Fearing the truth more than the not-knowing has only happened a handful of times in my life. This is maybe the worse of those times.

Match Date Recap #2

Last night I had a date with a different match guy, B. I had fun! I never once thought "I'd rather be at home" and I was in no way anxious to leave. This is a good sign. Also, I'd truly like to get together with him again. My only concern is that I'm not quite used to the timing of his humor. But that sort of thing gets better as you get to know someone. Also, he couldn't believe I live where I do and hang out in the South Bay (SB) all the time. Like it was INCREDIBLY too far. He lives in the SB and I am about a half hour away. So if we were to date more he might have to venture out of his comfort zone. And if his comfort zone is limited to a two mile radius, this could never work.

I think he wants to go out again.

At the end of the night, in an awkward fumbling first-date kind of way, he said, "So...what is your schedule like over the next couple of weeks? You are probably busy."

My response: "I'm actually not that busy and will be around until the 21st."

B: "Let me know if you come up this way again."

I didn't like this comment. Because what does it mean? Does it mean that he wants to hang out again, but only if I happen to be around? He knows I'm up in the SB all the time, but I'm usually there for a reason (to spend time with people I've made plans with). So I wouldn't probably call just to let him know I'd be around. But I realize his comment was probably just been an easy, safe way for him to communicate he'd like to hang out again.

So, I said with a smile, "I could even make a trip here just to meet with you."

We hugged good-bye. It was a hug that lasted a few seconds longer than a normal, platonic hug. Again, a good sign.

We'll see what happens though...you never know what to expect with these strange, strange people we call men.

A Lot Like Christmas

I had a fun and busy weekend, full of holiday related stuff. It was enough to just about put me in the mood for Christmas again. Friday night was spent on a 12 Bars of Christmas bar crawl. Saturday night I saw some of the local Christmas light boat parade (along with the multimillion dollar decorated homes that line the Naples waterways). On Sunday, I went to see a Christmas concert (BDP plays the flute in a local symphonic band!). That was then followed by a Christmas party to watch fireworks off of the MB pier. I didn't get home until midnight last night. And even though I am super tired today, I am happy because of all the recent fun. I am also happy because...

1) Tomorrow is my last day of class. It also happens to be the last non-final exam (our final is next Tuesday).

2) Tomorrow if my last day of being a TA. I loved it, and I love my students and I love the material, but I am tired of worrying about their learning. And about worrying if I'm doing a good job. It is exhausting.

3) This is week 17 of an 18 week semester. Any "semester" system is too long, in my opinion. And 18 weeks is two weeks longer than many other semester programs. I am thrilled it is almost over!

Now, while I do feel more "holiday-ish" after my big Christmas weekend, I feel "in the spirit of the season" only until I remember that I still have a gazillion Christmas presents left to buy. In fact, I have only bought about six of twenty-eight presents. That means I am only 21% done with my shopping, and I won't have time to do much more until next week. Which leaves me about 4 days before going to Mexico to buy, wrap, and ship/deliver everything.

That realization deflates my Christmas balloon a little bit. But not enough to turn off the Christmas music coming out of my CD player right now!

So This is Growing UP

In light of my recent "life" burnout, I found this post particularly relevant. It also made me a little sad.

In fact, this is how it made me feel (taken from my comment left on this page):

I was never a cocktail waitress per se, but I completely get this. This is why "grown-ups" (a group that I like to pretend doesn't include me) are always saying things like "don't be in a hurry to grow up," "college is the best time of your life," and "youth is wasted on the young." All those grown-ups are in the meetings, making the calls,"important." And being important is just not as fun as we all thought it was when we didn't know better.

Around the World

I just had the strangest dinner. I wasn't very hungry (I've had a head-ache for over 24 hours now), and I had nothing to eat at home. But I hadn't eaten much during the day, and I'm going on a Christmas bar-crawl tonight. Thus, food in the belly is necessary.

I ended up going to my favorite, local, gourment (overpriced!) market and bought the following items:

Hummus
Torta Bread from the Andalucia region of Spain (to dip in the hummus)
A Roll of Sushi
Mini Almond Biscoti

It was a strange combination, but it was great tasting! For a mere $24*, I got to have a little culinary tour of the world!

Now I just need to figure out how to get rid of this headache....

*I say "mere $24" with a hint of sarcasm. The bread alone cost $7! That's the price you pay for laziness...

Dream a Little Dream

Yesterday CMB told me that he had a dream about me.

He and I were traveling through Europe together. We were on a train, and as we walked through the various compartments, we ran into a friend of his from high school. At some point, this high school friend asked CMB if he could sleep with me. The idea made CMB angry and he said, “No! You can’t do that!” Later in the dream, CMB told me what this high school friend wanted to do and my response was, “Well, maybe it would be okay if I just kissed him a little?” This made him even more upset (in the dream).

I find this very interesting.

Ole!

For various reasons, my family and I are not that into Christmas this year.

A few years back we spent Christmas in Australia. It was summer down under and most of our trip involved being on or in the water. It was unChristmas-y but really, really fun.

This year after discussing over email how we weren't feeling too much holiday spirit, I jokingly wrote that we should just drive down to Baja instead. We could spend Christmas day drinking margaritas and eating quacamole in the sunshine. I was shocked when all of them replied with an anonymous "That sounds great!"

This morning I reserved rooms at a nice beach resort/spa on the Baja coast north of Ensenada for three days! We're going to pull a Dylan McKay. I can't wait!

And the exciting thing is that there's so much to do down there. There are cave paintings near by and a huge natural ocean blowhole. Also there are wineries. Who knew? And of course, spending time in the heated infinity pool and at the spa may be in order...

Feliz Navidad!

Increasing the Odds

I had a date last night. Went okay. Not sure if I'll go out with him again but at least I'm out there meeting new people. I think that's the one thing Match does that real life doesn't--if gives you access to volume. Things don't work out at a higher rate. I would argue, in fact, that they work out at perhaps the same rate as things outside of online dating. But the benefit is that there is more. You meet more and that increases the odds.