My Issues Are Smaller Than Yours

Last week I went on a date with a new boy. I met him online and he seemed great. In fact, aside from the fact that he was divorced and had young children, he seemed really, frighteningly fantastic. But this opinion was based on emails and a couple of long phone conversations. I know better than to assume that things would also be great in person.

But this time, they actually were. We met on Thursday night for dinner and he was cute and tall, just like his profile/pictures suggested. We had lots to talk about and the conversation never lagged. In fact, after dinner was done we wanted to spend more time together. We went to a near-by bar and continued chatting until the bar started to close. He opened doors, paid for my meal, and even brought me a CD of a band I liked. Before the date was done, he brought up getting together again. He was excited to see me again and wasn’t afraid to say it! And I can’t tell you how refreshing that is! I mean, how often does one meet a single, attractive guy who likes to communicate? Someone who isn’t afraid to show interest and isn’t scared to make future plans?

The next morning, after TWO hours of sleep, we left for Vegas. Despite my exhaustion I was still on a post-date high. The boy had told me the night before that he would text message me while I was away. Also, we had made plans to hang out on Sunday, the day I got back from Vegas. And it was nice not having to worry about the usual: “Will I hear from him?” “Did he have fun?” “Does he like me too?”

Things seemed so good that I actually started to get a little scared. But despite all the excitement and all the “good” I kept trying to keep site of a few key facts that might mean things wouldn’t work between us:

1) He had three young kids. That can really tether someone down. And I don’t want to be tethered yet.

2) He was very interested in getting rich. That was a main goal. And sure, I like money, and I’m really good at spending it. If I happen to end up being rich, I’m cool with that. But it’s not a personal goal of mine. If it were, I wouldn’t be changing careers…I would be working on my MBA.

3) He didn’t seem that interested in traveling. Well, he said he liked “going to Maui.” Sweetheart, that ain’t traveling. That’s a vacation. And I like vacations, but if that’s what he wants to see of the world, then there could be problems. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to visit Hawaii’s beaches. I like them too, but if he has no desire to ride a camel through the Sahara or hike through the Amazon then maybe we just aren’t meant to be.

Still, despite these concerns, I decided it was best just to go forward and see how things go.

I did hear from him later that day. He left a nice phone message about how he’d had lots of fun and text messaged later that day to see how I was doing.

The next day he texted to see how my night had gone. I wrote back that it had gone well. He responded with a, “Well I hope there were no what-happens-in-Vegas-stays-in-Vegas stories.” I didn’t respond to that because, um, even if there were, it’s not like I would tell him.

A few messages later he said the following:

1) He asked some questions about my personality. Turns out he found a description of my horoscope and was wondering how these Virgoan details played out for reals in my life.

2) He made some references to previous conversations and how those things supported what astrology said about the kind of person I am.

3) He told me he found my myspace page.

4) He asked if I’d be interested in coming back to where he lives AFTER he puts his kids to sleep, after we spent all Sunday afternoon together. That meant, we hang out for a few hours, I leave so he can do the dad thing, then I would drive all the way back to where he lives to hang out more?

I told him I couldn’t come back on Sunday evening and I didn’t respond much to anything else. I was starting to wonder about him… He wanted to hang out twice in one day? For several hours each time?? And we’d just met?? And he had found my myspace page?? That means he was searching for me. We’ve all done a little cyber stalking here and there but the rule is that you don’t TELL the other person you’ve been cyber-stalking them!

And he just kept sending me message after message. At first, it was sweet, exciting and cute. This kind of guy attention is rare! But then it became too much. He was coming across as too eager.
To make matters worse, when I didn’t respond to his text about my myspace page, he texted AGAIN a couple hours later saying “I didn’t hear back from you and when I checked my phone I saw that the memory was full. So if you responded, I may not have received it.”

I didn’t respond to that text message either. And in fact, I didn’t write him until the next day at the airport. I didn’t want to cancel our plans ‘cause I was curious about him. We’d had so much fun on Thursday night. Sure he seemed a little obsessive over the weekend, but maybe I was reading too much into everything.

So we planned to meet at a coffee shop, grab lunch and walk around some suburban OC shopping center thing. I wasn’t impressed with the place he picked for lunch. I wasn’t impressed with his conversations. All he talked about was work in fact. It was interesting to me before, but it’s like there was nothing else going on in his life.

I also discovered that he doesn’t read books. AND, he doesn’t really have friends. He used to and understandably, a father of young children who was married obviously has less time for all that. But to not really have any friends? At all?

THEN (here comes the best part) he pulled out my horoscope description. He had actually printed it out and brought it with him. I couldn’t help but give an incredulous chuckle. My thoughts were “Are you serious?” He handed me mine and while I glanced at it, he pulled his horoscope description out. He said he didn’t think it would be fair if we read mine and not his. Again, I glanced at it, chuckled a bit, handed it back, and went on eating.

That was the kicker for me. He was just too needy, too possessive, too obsessive, too EVERYTHING.
After lunch and some coffee I was tired and wanted to leave. He walked me to my car and asked about when we could get together again. I said “let’s just figure it out later.” (Read: NEVER!)

That night I got a text message from him saying how much fun he’d had and how he couldn’t wait to see me again. That night I ALSO got an email from him in myspace AND an invite to be his friend on myspace. I didn’t respond to any of it.

The next day I sent him a long email about how I thought our lifestyles were too different. I tired to focus more on that than on the fact that he’s a little CRAZY. Based on what he told me about his various ex-girlfriends, he thinks all the women he’s dated have issues. I didn’t want him to think that was the case here…if anyone had issues in this situation, it wasn’t me.