Sugar Magnolia, Blossoms are Blooming

I was out on my lunch break doing some errands today. When I went into the store the sky was full of May's June Gloom (AKA "May Gray"). But when I came out the clouds were gone, the sun was shining and all was right in the world. Driving back to The Man headquarters I had the windows down and the moon-roof open so I could more fully bake in that inland, Orange County heat. It finally felt like summer. And to celebrate I put in my Grateful Dead CD. Yes, it's true. I like some Grateful Dead songs. For the record, I am not a "dead-head." But that doesn't mean I never tried to be. I went through a phase when I was 16 where I wanted to prove (to myself) that I was more than just good grades and extracurricular service-oriented activities. I was going to hang out with the "bad" druggy surfer kids. And I was going to go to wild parties on the beach. And I was going to listen, and respect, the dark side of Kurt Cobain. And I was going to wear a Dead Head patch on my backpack. But, essentially, I was just a poser.

I did, however, genuinely like some of the music that accompanied this phase of my life. Operation Ivy, Bad Religion, Nirvana and The Grateful Dead always bring a smile to my face. And today it felt right to smile. I popped in my (only) Grateful Dead CD--their greatest hits--and sung along to Sugar Magnolia and Uncle John's Band. My mind wandered to these things:

My brother is starting to really fall for a girl. I mean REALLY fall. This has never happened before. He misses her and he wants to hang out with her and he doesn't want to date anyone else. It got me thinking...I forget how all that feels. I do remember that at one time I felt this way, but like pain and any other visceral emotion, I don't remember the actual feelings. And because I can't remember how it felt, the whole thing feels impossible and foreign...

After those thoughts my mind wondered to the horoscope I read last night in a recent edition of Elle. It said: "May calls for exciting new experiences--now is the ideal time to up the ante. Join a book club, take up photography, or enroll in French Lessons." I am already in a book club, I am into photography, et je parle francais. Check! Of course maybe I should just take Elle for what it is: a magazine full of pretty pictures of pretty girls with good eye make-up. Maybe it's best to not turn to its Astrological section for advise. But it would be fun to up my experience ante...

And speaking of upping the ante, my thoughts then turned to the future. Three days until I'm no longer a full time employee. And soon I'll be applying to schools in Southern and Northern California. I am curious to see how this plays out. For years I considered moving to the bay area. I never put a lot of effort towards that sort of move and subsequently it never happened. And then one day I realized I didn't want to move up there. I love where I live and the life I've created down here. And yet, here I am...about to apply to schools both here and there. I may not get in everywhere, so these questions may become irrelevant. But what if I do get in everywhere? Where will I choose?? Will there be a reason to stay down here? Or will I pick the superior program in the less favored area merely for its prestige??

Jerry Garcia asks several times in Uncle John's Band, "How does the song go??" He was probably referring to forgetting all the lyrics due to a drug-induced memory lapse. But today it seemed to be a relevant question for my whole life...how does it all go?

Well whatever happens, I'm going to forget that I forgot how to be infatuated and trust that one day I'll feel it again; I am going to try and increase my experience ante; and, I pinky-swear to remain excited about all the unknowns.